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By Casey Grey
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I love to help people and I believe that most people are like this. When somebody asks me for help, I'm happy to do so because it feels good.
"Somebody needs me." What I have come to realize is that HOW I deliver that "help" is extremely important. If my son asks me to write something for him, is it more helpful to write it myself or show him how to write it? If my team is struggling, is it more helpful if I hop in and do the work or ask them questions to get them thinking differently so they can do it themselves? Is it better to let people make mistakes or protect them from the pain? Which one will help them learn faster? Think long term. Invest in the other person's success for the long run. The other night, Sullivan was excited to see his Nana. She was planning to come at the end of the following day.
While I was doing the usual bedtime routine with Sullivan, he said "Nana might be here when I wake up." I responded in the usual parent way and "corrected" his thinking by saying, "No buddy. She'll be here when you get home from school." He then quickly said, "Don't say that daddy! If you say that then it won't happen. She might be thinking it right now." Then it dawned on me... How often do I limit my son's beliefs like this? This is a simple and seemingly insignificant example but it's a habit I have. He was right. Nana may have been thinking to come early and surprise us. Who was I to tell him that she would not be coming? Just because I didn't believe it does not mean it was not going to happen. Nor does that give me the right to change his belief. I recently made a decision to remove somebody from my life and people who are closest to me have been celebrating the decision. They are basically saying "I told you so" without actually saying it.
What was it that they saw that I did not? If I'm honest with myself, I saw it as well. Unfortunately I let my head lead the way and tried to rationalize my decision. It's almost like I needed yet another example of how the gut is wiser than the brain. It's more connected to the energy around us than the brain will ever be. The brain is like the leader. It decides how to act, when to act and what to act on. Like any good leader though, it should get as much input as possible from the entire team before making any decisions. The gut and heart are important team members that should not be ignored. My brain did not lead this one well but now it's a stronger leader for learning yet another lesson. There's a big difference between arguing and debating.
I do not enjoy arguing but I do enjoy a good debate. I believe there can be a lot of valuable information that comes from them. The difference is simply in the set up and preparation. Arguments typically come without planning and are based on opinions. Debates are planned for and based on facts. Leaders set up healthy debates and use them to propel the vision forward. They are master debaters. I rarely take the time to partake in the testosterone-building activities that are required for me to feel complete.
So what do I do? I take action to change this! I'm creating a men's group and I'm making it public so that I stick to it. If you are a man, live in Ottawa, want to do cool shit and have fun all while being an outstanding husband, father and leader, let me know. Only great men will be accepted. Did you do your best work today?
If not, why not? What's holding you back? If you feel you did, why do you feel this way? What's working for you? If you lie to yourself, the only person you will be hurting is you. Take time to think about this. Do you put more time into the answer or the question?
How do you know if you have the right answer if you don't have the right question? What if we taught our kids to ask better questions instead of giving them answers? What if we empowered our team members to ask more questions instead of having them follow orders? What if we trained our own minds to challenge our answers with more questions? Answering a question with a question can lead you magical places. As leaders, we want to protect our team members.
As parents, we want to protect our children. The problem with focusing on protecting is that we block them from growth. A Banyan tree is a perfect example of this. It protects everything below it and by doing so nothing grows. In order for growth to happen, we need to allow the sunshine in. We need to be open to the elements. Don't be a Banyan tree. Let the light in. Let those around you learn from their mistakes. Be there to support them but don't shade them. Let them grow! Stop listening with your ears and watching people's lips.
Listen to your heart and watch people's feet. That will guide you much better. |
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